86 Thoughts When Wrapping Christmas Presents

[Jody Allen]

Christmas gift wrapping some people have the talent. Others, like myself, do not.​

And it’s not for lack of trying. I’ve wrapped hundreds of gifts over the years and yet it seems like every time it comes down to a battle of wits between me and the wrap.

And the damned wrapping paper usually wins.

If you’re like me and Christmas gift wrapping is a last minute, rushed, wine-infused event, then you may be able to relate to these thoughts. And, if your Christmas gift wrapping experience is a lot calmer and more pleasant than this, please email me so I can send you my unwrapped gifts for you to wrap next year!

86 Thoughts When Wrapping Christmas Presents​

Why am I even doing this?

The kids are going to tear open the gifts so fast they won’t even notice they are wrapped in the first place.

I should just wrap them in tea towels.

Or not at all.

No.

Stop being Grinchy. Get in the Christmas spirit. I am going to wrap all of these gifts tonight. And I am going to enjoy it.

No kids around. No noise. No interruptions. Just me and my gifts.

And plastic scissors because I can’t find the bloody adult ones.

Doesn’t matter. Here we go.

Rectangular Lego box. Should be easy enough to wrap.

Simply cut wrapping paper, place present on it and fold in.

Shit.

The box is too large.

I’ve cut the damned wrapping paper too short.

Put this piece aside and try again.

Cut, place and fold.

Seriously??

Again?

What is wrong with me?

Whatever, cut another piece and tape it all together. Kids won’t even notice.

Looks dodge.

No fucks are given.

Okay, next one.

Easy. Simply cut, wrap and tape.

Goddamit

The edge has ripped. I’ll just stick some more tape on there.

What the hell?

Sticky tape is out. I bought five rolls yesterday. Where are they all? I put it on the table. I saw Mister 4 playing with it”¦

How does one child use up five rolls of sticky tape in one day?

Minor break to get sticky tape.

And wine.

And return. Two shitty presents down. Seventeen to go.

Easy.

Next one – pyjamas.

Now, should I roll and wrap? Or lay flat?

Does it even matter? Either way it’s going to be torn open before I have even made a coffee.

Cut out a square and lay flat.

Nope. Not enough wrapping paper.

Why is it so hard to measure freaking wrapping paper?

Roll it instead.

Still doesn’t fit.

How is this actually possible?

Why are the gift wrapping gods against me?

Wine glass is empty. Refill, try again.

Chuck it in an old Birthday gift bag.

Done.

Next.

Image via The Daily Edge

Basketball. Okay. Round object.

The law of wrapping paper suggests I will require a little more than usual. How much more?

Use the whole damned roll just to be sure.

And done.

Extra wrapping paper can be bundled at the top”¦ add some more sticky tape around it.

Success.

Next one.

And more wine.

New wrapping paper roll needed. Simply find the crease and open.

But where’s the damned crease?

Stuff it.

Use the scissors.

Fuck the plastic scissors.

Use a steak knife. And refill wine while I’m in the kitchen.

New roll of wrapping paper open. Back to the gifts.

Next dollhouse is present.

No, wait.

That can’t be right.

Yeah, next present is the dollhouse.

That’s better. Words and wine don’t mix.

A large dollhouse.

The world’s largest dollhouse as a matter of fact.

Quite possibly the most annoying present to wrap in the world.

Whose idea was it to buy a fucking dollhouse?

It’s going to take three rolls of paper to even get halfway around it.

And I’m out of wine.

Not going to happen.

Grab an old bed sheet, tie scarf around it. Wrap it around said dollhouse.

Success.

Geez I’m getting sleepy. It must be past midnight by now.

Four poorly wrapped presents. Eight bazillion more to go”¦”¦. I’m exhausted just thinking about it.

But it will be done. I have to do this.

Soldier on.

Do it for the kids.

It may take all night.

It may take all eight rolls of wrapping paper.

It may take all four packages of sticky tape.

It may take one pair of plastic scissors and one steak knife.

It may take another bottle of wine.

It may take a miracle.

But it’s Christmas

And isn’t this what Christmas is all about?