In 2019 at the IFS conference in Denver where I taught a workshop with Dick Schwartz about using IFS for treatment of medical conditions, I saw a keynote presentation by Hailan Guo, MD, PhD, who was described to me as “The Oprah of China.” She’s a medical doctor who is also a psychologist trained in IFS who was on a mission to get IFS to China, in spite of the taboos around trauma, therapy, and vulnerability.
To bypass the cultural resistance to seeking help in therapy, she started training lay people to practice Internal Family Systems- with each other, peer to peer. She genuisly called it “Inner Peace Coaching.”
By that point, I had already been engaging in daily peer to peer parts processing with Emma, who had committed with me to participating in this healing practice, as part of our self help IFS work. I knew the benefits of how incredible having the right parts processing partner who is not your therapist can be. I also loved the sneaky but accurate twist on “inner peace coaching,” since so much of IFS is working with polarized parts- parts that can’t agree on this inside and create confusion, paralysis, self-sabotage, and inner conflict.
But it doesn’t just create inner peace; it’s also a relational skill building tool, helping us learn relational skills we would have learned, if we had “good enough” parents who modeled these skills for us, giving us the chance to test the waters with a practice partner, so we don’t bung it up so much with our romantic partners, friends, or kids.
When learning how to parts process with Emma, I had to learn where Emma’s delicate edges were, so I could tread lightly about them. She had to learn to make requests and say “Ouch” when I inadvertently hurt her. I had to prove to her that I wouldn’t get defensive when she called me out on stuff I did that wasn’t kind to her parts. And she had to learn to set firm, clear boundaries- and to create more distance from me until I did better- when I got all up in her business without her consent. She also had to learn to do all these same things with and for me.
It was like relational skill building on steroids- not just intellectually, by reading books or watching lectures, but experientially, in real time, like an intimacy laboratory. It had the added benefit that we lived over 5000 miles apart. We weren’t romantic partners. We didn’t hang out with the same people. We didn’t have much skin in the game, other than our commitment to our IFS practices and our sincere care for each other. If the relationship blew up, sure, we’d feel sad and miss each other and experience the painful loss of a break up. But it wouldn’t ruin our lives.
It didn’t have the safety one would have with a therapist, where you’re paying an expert not to trigger your core wounds, or if they did, they’d know exactly how to help you have a restorative experience. It also isn’t one-sided like a relationship with a therapist might be. You have to show up as a peer equal. One person can’t always be the vulnerable one, while someone else hides under a shield of vulnerability. You have to learn to both take up space and be generous with your empathy, listening.for giving and receiving.
When I taught an IFS & Memoir Writing class in Malta, many of my students partnered up to do parts processing and have been doing so for nearly a year, Here’s what some of them have to say about the practice:
“After attending Dr. Rankin’s memoir and IFS writing retreat in Gozo, my inner world expanded and opened to greater personal exploration. Dr. Rankin gave very freely of herself to model what parts work can look and feel like, so I was grateful and incentivized to continue on my path to being my fullest self. On the trip I also met a fellow traveller and she has become an integral part of my life. She and I decided to become Parts Partners and committed to one another to begin sharing our most personal parts using WhatsApp recordings (we live on separate coasts). The partnership keeps me honest and helps me continue to look inward and build a compassionate and honest muscle that I never knew before now. It also has built an undeniable trust between my Parts Partner and I, because we both hold this job for one another. We work through loving and sometimes tough communications together at times, as well as turning inward. It is truly incredible! The parts work trains me to look inward, trust myself, trust someone else, actively listen to someone else, and support my relationship with parts, some I may have yet to meet! Dr. Rankin’s classes and writings, as well as her honest vulnerability, have been life-changing for me.”
“This last year has been a remarkable one, many challenges mixed with new beginnings, and I’ve been able to share it with my parts processing partner almost daily. She is a true blessing in my life, she gives me better insight than my therapist! We do talk about our parts, which is always good and helps to put things into perspective, but her wise words of wisdom and empathy ground and support me. I’m so grateful.”
“My parts processing partner and I have maintained an almost daily form of parts processing.
We adapted the process and created something that works for both of us. I have found this to be the biggest blessing of my year. The benefits are hard to quantify with words. Maybe, at the most basic level, just knowing that someone is listening without judgment and with empathy is all that is necessary. Having her in my life means the world
If you’re interested, we’ll be teaching YOU how to do peer to peer parts processing in a weekend training I’ll be teaching with my parts processing partner Emma.
Save $100 if you register now.
Emma and I hope you’ll give yourself the gift of learning how to practice peer to peer parts processing, so you can benefit from this daily self-help IFS practice, with or without a therapist. Teaching this class is part of the Heal At Last health equity mission to offer cutting edge healing to anyone motivated to try it- in case you can’t access or afford expensive therapies that often are not covered by insurance. While peer to peer parts processing is not the same as therapy, it can be a useful adjunct, to offer benefit between therapy sessions- or to help you deepen your self-help IFS practice so you can have a witnessing mirror to your beautiful parts as you discover and deepen your own intimacy with them.
We hope to see you there!
Learn more about Peer To Peer Parts Processing here.
The post Want To Learn Peer To Peer IFS Parts Processing? first appeared on Lissa Rankin.
To bypass the cultural resistance to seeking help in therapy, she started training lay people to practice Internal Family Systems- with each other, peer to peer. She genuisly called it “Inner Peace Coaching.”
By that point, I had already been engaging in daily peer to peer parts processing with Emma, who had committed with me to participating in this healing practice, as part of our self help IFS work. I knew the benefits of how incredible having the right parts processing partner who is not your therapist can be. I also loved the sneaky but accurate twist on “inner peace coaching,” since so much of IFS is working with polarized parts- parts that can’t agree on this inside and create confusion, paralysis, self-sabotage, and inner conflict.
But it doesn’t just create inner peace; it’s also a relational skill building tool, helping us learn relational skills we would have learned, if we had “good enough” parents who modeled these skills for us, giving us the chance to test the waters with a practice partner, so we don’t bung it up so much with our romantic partners, friends, or kids.
When learning how to parts process with Emma, I had to learn where Emma’s delicate edges were, so I could tread lightly about them. She had to learn to make requests and say “Ouch” when I inadvertently hurt her. I had to prove to her that I wouldn’t get defensive when she called me out on stuff I did that wasn’t kind to her parts. And she had to learn to set firm, clear boundaries- and to create more distance from me until I did better- when I got all up in her business without her consent. She also had to learn to do all these same things with and for me.
It was like relational skill building on steroids- not just intellectually, by reading books or watching lectures, but experientially, in real time, like an intimacy laboratory. It had the added benefit that we lived over 5000 miles apart. We weren’t romantic partners. We didn’t hang out with the same people. We didn’t have much skin in the game, other than our commitment to our IFS practices and our sincere care for each other. If the relationship blew up, sure, we’d feel sad and miss each other and experience the painful loss of a break up. But it wouldn’t ruin our lives.
It didn’t have the safety one would have with a therapist, where you’re paying an expert not to trigger your core wounds, or if they did, they’d know exactly how to help you have a restorative experience. It also isn’t one-sided like a relationship with a therapist might be. You have to show up as a peer equal. One person can’t always be the vulnerable one, while someone else hides under a shield of vulnerability. You have to learn to both take up space and be generous with your empathy, listening.for giving and receiving.
When I taught an IFS & Memoir Writing class in Malta, many of my students partnered up to do parts processing and have been doing so for nearly a year, Here’s what some of them have to say about the practice:
“After attending Dr. Rankin’s memoir and IFS writing retreat in Gozo, my inner world expanded and opened to greater personal exploration. Dr. Rankin gave very freely of herself to model what parts work can look and feel like, so I was grateful and incentivized to continue on my path to being my fullest self. On the trip I also met a fellow traveller and she has become an integral part of my life. She and I decided to become Parts Partners and committed to one another to begin sharing our most personal parts using WhatsApp recordings (we live on separate coasts). The partnership keeps me honest and helps me continue to look inward and build a compassionate and honest muscle that I never knew before now. It also has built an undeniable trust between my Parts Partner and I, because we both hold this job for one another. We work through loving and sometimes tough communications together at times, as well as turning inward. It is truly incredible! The parts work trains me to look inward, trust myself, trust someone else, actively listen to someone else, and support my relationship with parts, some I may have yet to meet! Dr. Rankin’s classes and writings, as well as her honest vulnerability, have been life-changing for me.”
“This last year has been a remarkable one, many challenges mixed with new beginnings, and I’ve been able to share it with my parts processing partner almost daily. She is a true blessing in my life, she gives me better insight than my therapist! We do talk about our parts, which is always good and helps to put things into perspective, but her wise words of wisdom and empathy ground and support me. I’m so grateful.”
“My parts processing partner and I have maintained an almost daily form of parts processing.
We adapted the process and created something that works for both of us. I have found this to be the biggest blessing of my year. The benefits are hard to quantify with words. Maybe, at the most basic level, just knowing that someone is listening without judgment and with empathy is all that is necessary. Having her in my life means the world
If you’re interested, we’ll be teaching YOU how to do peer to peer parts processing in a weekend training I’ll be teaching with my parts processing partner Emma.
Save $100 if you register now.
Emma and I hope you’ll give yourself the gift of learning how to practice peer to peer parts processing, so you can benefit from this daily self-help IFS practice, with or without a therapist. Teaching this class is part of the Heal At Last health equity mission to offer cutting edge healing to anyone motivated to try it- in case you can’t access or afford expensive therapies that often are not covered by insurance. While peer to peer parts processing is not the same as therapy, it can be a useful adjunct, to offer benefit between therapy sessions- or to help you deepen your self-help IFS practice so you can have a witnessing mirror to your beautiful parts as you discover and deepen your own intimacy with them.
We hope to see you there!
Learn more about Peer To Peer Parts Processing here.
The post Want To Learn Peer To Peer IFS Parts Processing? first appeared on Lissa Rankin.