Based on research originally published in: Platts, C. R., Sturge-Apple, M. L., Li, Z., & Davies, P. T. (2024). Romantic attachment styles, harsh parenting behavior, and children’s emotional reactivity: A process model. International Journal of Behavioral Development, 49(4), 338-347.
When people feel stressed in our everyday lives, we often seek out someone we trust—an attachment figure—who offers comfort and support during difficult times. In adulthood, that figure is often a parent, a friend, or, most commonly, a romantic partner.
But some people experience what psychologists call attachment insecurity in their romantic relationships: They struggle to seek out and receive emotional support from their partners. This insecurity usually takes one of two forms:
Research shows that when parents feel insecure in a romantic relationship—either by avoiding closeness or worrying about rejection—their children often experience and manage emotions differently than do children of parents who feel secure. Children may become upset more easily, suppress their negative feelings, or struggle to regulate emotions in adaptive ways.
Why might this happen? According to attachment theory, a person’s bond with their own attachment figure can shape how they parent.
Mothers with high levels of attachment avoidance, who feel uncomfortable depending on their romantic partner for support, may also be uncomfortable providing similar support to their children. Whether consciously or not, these mothers may try to minimize emotional closeness in the parent-child relationship through harsh parenting, using anger, threats, or coercion during parent-child interactions. Over time, children exposed to harsh parenting may learn to suppress negative emotions to avoid rejection or conflict.
Photo by Kristina Paukshtite on Pexels
Mothers with high levels of attachment anxiety – those who are preoccupied by their own fears of abandonment and rejection, may have trouble supporting their children’s emotional needs because they are overwhelmed by their own needs. Their parenting may be inconsistent—sometimes supportive, sometimes harsh—depending on how much emotional energy a situation requires.
When a child needs only a little support, these mothers may respond well. But when a child needs more focused emotional care, the parent’s own distress may interfere and increase their stress, leading to harsher responses.
When emotional support is inconsistent—especially during times when it is needed most—children may feel anxious. Over time, children who cannot rely on their mother’s emotional support may get upset more easily. They may also have trouble managing their negative feelings and developing healthy emotion regulation skills.
To explore this possible role of harsh parenting, my colleagues and I studied a sample of 235 heterosexual mothers (average age of 34 years) who were currently living with a romantic partner in Rochester, New York in the United States. Most of these mothers identified as White (62%) or African-American/Black (21%), and their median level of education was an associate’s degree.
At the start of the study, children were approximately three years old and 55% were biologically female. Mothers and children visited the laboratory on two occasions, spaced one year apart.
As we predicted, mothers reporting higher levels of attachment avoidance exhibited higher levels of harsh parenting across all observed interactions with their children. That is, these mothers were consistently harsh toward their children during each of the parenting interactions. This result aligns with our assumption that mothers who are highly avoidant are, on average, less able to provide appropriate support to their children.
Photo by Juan Pablo Serrano on Pexels
Meanwhile, mothers reporting higher levels of attachment anxiety showed less consistent harsh parenting across the three tasks. That is, mothers with higher levels of attachment anxiety were hostile towards their child in some interactions but not others. This result matches our prediction, based on the idea that these mothers may become overly stressed and harsh only during some interactions—ones that require them to suspend their own needs to focus on their children’s.
Consistently harsh parenting, as shown more by mothers experiencing attachment avoidance, was not related to observations of children’s anger or distress one year later. This result might mean that high levels of harsh parenting is not the reason why mothers’ romantic attachment avoidance is linked to children’s negative emotions.
However, our method may not have been sensitive enough to capture subtle signs of negative emotion (e.g., pursed lips) that may be more likely to be seen in children who tend to suppress negative emotions in...
Key Takeaways for Caregivers:
- Mothers who have trouble turning to their romantic partner for emotional support may face added parenting challenges that can affect their child’s emotional development.
- Mothers with higher levels of attachment avoidance – those who preferred to be self-reliant and felt uncomfortable depending on their romantic partner for emotional support – tended to show more consistent harshness in their parenting across situations. However, this parenting pattern was not associated with increased anger or distress in children one year later.
- In contrast, mothers with higher levels of attachment anxiety – those who worried about rejection from their romantic partner – tended to be unpredictably harsh with their children. This sometimes-but-not-always harsh parenting was related to more anger in children after one year.
- Helping mothers understand their own attachment needs more deeply and ensuring that they have access to emotional support may help them respond more calmly and consistently to their children. This, in turn, may contribute to a more supportive caregiving environment that fosters children’s healthy emotional development.
What are romantic attachment styles?
When people feel stressed in our everyday lives, we often seek out someone we trust—an attachment figure—who offers comfort and support during difficult times. In adulthood, that figure is often a parent, a friend, or, most commonly, a romantic partner.
But some people experience what psychologists call attachment insecurity in their romantic relationships: They struggle to seek out and receive emotional support from their partners. This insecurity usually takes one of two forms:
- Attachment avoidance: when an individual feels uncomfortable relying on their romantic partner for emotional support, preferring to be self-reliant and handle tough emotions on their own, and
- Attachment anxiety: when an individual fears abandonment or rejection by the romantic partner, often seeking extra closeness and reassurance from their partner to feel more secure.
Romantic attachment insecurity and children’s emotional development
Research shows that when parents feel insecure in a romantic relationship—either by avoiding closeness or worrying about rejection—their children often experience and manage emotions differently than do children of parents who feel secure. Children may become upset more easily, suppress their negative feelings, or struggle to regulate emotions in adaptive ways.
Why might this happen? According to attachment theory, a person’s bond with their own attachment figure can shape how they parent.
Mothers’ attachment avoidance
Mothers with high levels of attachment avoidance, who feel uncomfortable depending on their romantic partner for support, may also be uncomfortable providing similar support to their children. Whether consciously or not, these mothers may try to minimize emotional closeness in the parent-child relationship through harsh parenting, using anger, threats, or coercion during parent-child interactions. Over time, children exposed to harsh parenting may learn to suppress negative emotions to avoid rejection or conflict.
Photo by Kristina Paukshtite on Pexels
Mothers’ attachment anxiety
Mothers with high levels of attachment anxiety – those who are preoccupied by their own fears of abandonment and rejection, may have trouble supporting their children’s emotional needs because they are overwhelmed by their own needs. Their parenting may be inconsistent—sometimes supportive, sometimes harsh—depending on how much emotional energy a situation requires.
When a child needs only a little support, these mothers may respond well. But when a child needs more focused emotional care, the parent’s own distress may interfere and increase their stress, leading to harsher responses.
When emotional support is inconsistent—especially during times when it is needed most—children may feel anxious. Over time, children who cannot rely on their mother’s emotional support may get upset more easily. They may also have trouble managing their negative feelings and developing healthy emotion regulation skills.
Does harsh parenting behavior explain why children whose mothers are insecure in their romantic relationship show more negative emotion?
To explore this possible role of harsh parenting, my colleagues and I studied a sample of 235 heterosexual mothers (average age of 34 years) who were currently living with a romantic partner in Rochester, New York in the United States. Most of these mothers identified as White (62%) or African-American/Black (21%), and their median level of education was an associate’s degree.
At the start of the study, children were approximately three years old and 55% were biologically female. Mothers and children visited the laboratory on two occasions, spaced one year apart.
On the first visit
- Mothers completed a survey about their romantic attachment styles.
- Mothers and children participated in three interaction tasks:
- Forbidden toy: Mothers were asked to keep their child from playing with a tempting toy (a child-sized pit filled with plastic balls).
- Discipline discussion: Mothers discussed a real-life rule or behavior issue with their child (e.g., bedtime routine).
- Grocery store: Mothers helped their child follow specific rules while pretending to shop together in a miniature grocery store game.
- Trained observers rated mothers’ level of harsh parenting (e.g., anger, name-calling) during each task.
- To capture how harsh each mother’s parenting was overall, we computed the average rating across the three tasks.
- To explore the degree of consistency (or inconsistency) in a mother’s harsh parenting, we considered the range of scores she received across the three tasks.
On the second visit
- Children completed two tasks on their own that were designed to make them mildly frustrated or otherwise upset:
- Puzzle box: Children attempted to retrieve a toy locked in a difficult-to-open box.
- Marshmallow test: Children were seated with one marshmallow in front of them and told they could earn two marshmallows later if they resisted eating it.
- Trained observers rated children’s levels of anger and distress during these tasks.
Mothers’ attachment avoidance and anxiety each related to different patterns of harsh parenting
As we predicted, mothers reporting higher levels of attachment avoidance exhibited higher levels of harsh parenting across all observed interactions with their children. That is, these mothers were consistently harsh toward their children during each of the parenting interactions. This result aligns with our assumption that mothers who are highly avoidant are, on average, less able to provide appropriate support to their children.
Photo by Juan Pablo Serrano on Pexels
Meanwhile, mothers reporting higher levels of attachment anxiety showed less consistent harsh parenting across the three tasks. That is, mothers with higher levels of attachment anxiety were hostile towards their child in some interactions but not others. This result matches our prediction, based on the idea that these mothers may become overly stressed and harsh only during some interactions—ones that require them to suspend their own needs to focus on their children’s.
Inconsistently harsh parenting is most closely related to children’s negative emotions
Consistently harsh parenting, as shown more by mothers experiencing attachment avoidance, was not related to observations of children’s anger or distress one year later. This result might mean that high levels of harsh parenting is not the reason why mothers’ romantic attachment avoidance is linked to children’s negative emotions.
However, our method may not have been sensitive enough to capture subtle signs of negative emotion (e.g., pursed lips) that may be more likely to be seen in children who tend to suppress negative emotions in...